I want you to be my daddy

My Peyton I tell you, I swear I don’t know where the kid comes up with things.

Peyton attends four year old preschool. Before that, he attended three year old preschool.  I’ve always had a wide range of friends. I’ve had friends that have a mom and a dad, two moms, single moms… Peyton has met a wide array of people in his four years. Being in school he hears and sees other kids’ parents. My best friend is married to a man and obviously her son calls them mommy and daddy. My kids for a while called him daddy as well because they thought that was his name. Just one of those things that kids do. In time they learned his real name and began using that. The point is that Peyton is no stranger to the mommy and daddy concept.

In a previous post I stated that I dress in more male clothing then in female clothing. I’ve always dressed this way. I don’t do this on purpose. While shopping I simply pick out what I like and I don’t allow gender rules to guide me. Some might say that Peyton wants me to be his daddy because of the way that I dress. You may think that my style of dressing confuses him. I can assure you that this is not the case. I’m not one to promptly don a skirt or a dress but I’m also not what is considered a “butch lesbian”. My appearance has nothing to do with why Peyton wants me to be his daddy.

The fact that Peyton is four means that there are so many things and thoughts that cross his mind that just subconsciously occur. He is so secure about his gender and who he is but at the same time he desperately wants someone to be on this journey with him. I guess we are all this way. We like to be around people that we can identify with so that we feel like we fit in. At four  Peyton is no different. There are questions that cross his mind that he is unsure of how to ask. Sometimes he is unsure of who he wants to ask. Acceptance is such a critical part of life. It is clear to me that though Peyton doesn’t fully understand not fitting in, he feels it in some ways. And this makes him afraid, because even though he knows how much I love him and how much his siblings love him, he still wants someone there on his side. Someone that is going through this whole process like he is. And he wants me to be his daddy so that I can go through this change with him.

Miguel came into our lives at the perfect time. And days that we talk to him are so much easier on Peyton. All he does the rest of the day is talk about Miguel. Though Peyton has yet to meet Miguel in person, he knows that he identifies with him and this is a source of peace, in a sense, for Peyton. Days that Miguel and Peyton talk, I don’t get asked if I can be Peyton’s daddy versus his mommy. The part of me that wants to give Peyton everything in the world wishes that I could do that for him. But in reality, I have zero desire to change from a woman to a man. There’s nothing wrong with doing so but it’s just not for me and that is a concept that is very difficult to help a four year old to understand. In his eyes I am refusing to be a boy like him and because of his age, this hurts him. This is where reassurance and affirmation will go a long way. This is all so very, very tricky…

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